Real men don’t like books.
Real men are not thoughtful.
Real men are idiots.

[Women in a book club are discussing a book in a living room.]

WOMAN 1: …so much passion…

[Other women agree.  MAN, in a “Marmots” jersey, walks through.]

MAN: Have a nice book club!  I’ll be at the game.  [MAN spots beers in a bucket of ice on the table and stops.]  Whoa.  Here…we…go.  [MAN sits between two of the women and begins passing out beers.]  So what’s the story?

WOMAN 1: We were discussing the relationship of two women…

MAN: Two women?

WOMAN 1: …who are thrust together by war…

MAN: Ooh, thrusting.  Okay, I’m with you.

WOMAN 1: …a war neither of them understands.

MAN: Awesome!  Good times!  [MAN takes copy of Little Women out of WOMAN 1’s hand and uses it for a coaster.]  I love book club.  [MAN singles out WOMAN 2, sitting across from him.]  I’d like to hear you read some words.

NARRATOR: It’s a sure sign of a good time.  The just right taste of Bud Light.  Here we go.

WOMAN 3: So then do you like Little Women?

MAN: Yeah, I’m not too picky.

—Bud Light Superbowl ad, 2010; see Noel Murray, “The Highs and Lows of This Year’s Superbowl Ads”, The Onion A.V. Club, February 8, 2010 (available at http://www.avclub.com/articles/the-highs-and-lows-of-this-years-super-bowl-ads,37983/) (“But you’re not being hard enough on the ‘book club’ ad, which continues Budweiser’s long history of depicting anything even remotely cultural as wimpy chick stuff, largely intolerable unless there’s plenty of cold beer around. In fact, I’m pretty sure that the general response to this year’s Super Bowl commercials will be mild-to-strong disgust over how anti-woman so many of them were. I know it’s the norm for ads during sporting events to play up how ‘man time’ is sacred and ‘woman time’ is lame, but I’ve rarely seen that theme take such a hostile turn.”).

Real men don’t care about the environment unless they’re forced to.

Scene 1:

[MAN 1 is buying groceries at a grocery store.]

CHECK-OUT PERSON: Okay, so it’s $37.08.  Paper or plastic?

MAN 1: Plastic.

GREEN POLICEMAN 1 (GP1): That’s the magic word.  Green police!  [GP1 pushes MAN 1 down on counter.]  You picked the wrong day to mess with the ecosystem, plastic boy.

Scene 2:

[Green police are digging through garbage cans in front of a home.]

GP2: Battery!

GP3: Battery.

GP2: Let’s take them out!  Come on!

[Green police, one of whom is dressed in shorts, run toward house.]

Scene 3:

[MAN 2 is standing over a sink at night.  He throws an orange peel in the garbage.  A bright spotlight shines through his window.]

GP4 [speaking via megaphone from a helicopter]: Put the rind down, sir!  That’s a compost infraction!

[MAN 2 runs out of his house and is stopped by a mob of green police.]

Scene 4:

[GP5 is examining the lightbulbs above the stoop of a home, as MAN 3 and his wife look on.]

GP5: Whoa-ho!  Did you install these bulbs?

MAN 3: Yeah?

[Newscast shows MAN 3 being led away from home.]

NEWSCASTER: Tragedy strikes tonight, where a man has just been arrested for possession of an incandescent lightbulb.

Scene 5:

[GP6 is pouring water out of bottles he has confiscated from two teenagers.]

GP6: What do you guys think about plastic bottles now?

Scene 6:

[GP7 and other green police are standing over a hot tub in which MAN 4 is sitting with a woman.]

GP7: The water setting is at 105.

[Green police chase after MAN 4.]

Scene 7:

[Green police have set up an eco roadblock and are driving on scooters and inspecting a long line of cars.]

GP8 [to GP9, indicating car driven by MAN 5]: We got a TVI here?

GP9: Clean diesel.  [To MAN 5.]  You’re good to go, sir!

[MAN 5 is waved on and leaves the long line of cars behind.]

Scene 8:

[SLOGAN appears on screen.]

SLOGAN: Green has never felt so right.

Scene 9:

[GP10 stands over POLICEMAN sitting in car drinking coffee.]

GP10: Good afternoon, officers.  Are those foam cups you’re drinking from?

POLICEMAN: Yeah?

GP10: Please step out of the car and put them on the hood.

—Audi Superbowl commercial, 2010.

Real men make tough decisions.
Real men don’t care about the environment.

But to create more of these clean energy jobs, we need more production, more efficiency, more incentives.  And that means building a new generation of safe, clean nuclear power plants in this country.  (Applause.)  It means making tough decisions about opening new offshore areas for oil and gas development. (Applause.)  It means continued investment in advanced biofuels and clean coal technologies.  (Applause.)  And, yes, it means passing a comprehensive energy and climate bill with incentives that will finally make clean energy the profitable kind of energy in America.  (Applause.)

—President Barack Obama, State of the Union 2010 (available at http://www.whitehouse.gov/the-press-office/remarks-president-state-union-address); see also Courtney, “Fresh Reactions to State of the Union”, Feministing January 27, 2010 (available at http://www.feministing.com/archives/019811.html) (“[S]omething about his demeanor and language tonight seemed rife with a sort of ‘tough guy’ posturing that I actually found fear-inducing rather than reassuring.”).

Real men will do anything to obtain access to a woman’s body, including pretend to be caring.
(Real men are not caring.)
Real men don’t change.

Scene 1:

[A puppy runs up to 2 women in a park.]

WOMEN: Puppy!

[The puppy’s owner, a MAN, approaches.]

MAN: I’m so, so, sorry.  Is he bothering you?

WOMEN: No!  Awww!

Scene 2:

[MAN 2 sits in a cafe.  WOMAN 2 has approached him.  Both look toward camera.]

WOMAN 2: Is he yours?

MAN 2: Yeah.  He’s my first mate.

[It’s revealed WOMAN 2 and MAN 2 are looking at a puppy sitting in an inflatable boat in a fountain.  MAN 2 salutes the puppy.]

Scene 3:

[MAN 3 sits at a cafe.  WOMEN 3 have approached him and are playing with his 2 puppies.]

WOMEN 3: Where did you get them?

MAN 3: I rescued them from a shelter.

WOMEN 3: You did that?

Scene 4:

[Men are lined up at a puppy rental booth in a park.  MAN 4 has just rented a puppy.]

MAN 4 (advising men in line): Get the lab.

Scene 5:

[Jim Beam logo appears on screen.]

NARRATOR: Guys never change.  Neither do we.  Jim Beam.  “The Bourbon” since 1795.

—Commercial for Jim Beam.

The Guys Never Change campaign was developed at Energy BBDO, Chicago, by chief creative officer Dan Fietsam, creative director/art director Noel Haan, creative director/copywriter Derek Sherman, director of film and digital production Brigette Whisnant and agency producer John Pratt.

Filming was shot by director Zach Martin via BOB Industries, Los Angeles. Editor was Matthew Wood at The Whitehouse Post. Post production was done at Filmworkers Club, Chicago. Music and audio were produced at Earhole Studios, Chicago.

—Information via The Inspiration Room (available at http://theinspirationroom.com/daily/2009/jim-beam-guys-never-change/).

Real men don’t get raped.

ANNOUNCER: Gentleman, Give an indifferent east coast welcome to our newest bullrider, Peter the Kid!

(PETER rides bull, gets bucked off shortly after.)

BULL: You know what I am back at the ranch?  I’m a breeding bull.

PETER: Wha…wha…what’s that?

BULL: You gonna find out.

PETER: (Gasps)

BULL:  Where you going fatty?  We’re gonna have a party.

PETER: No! No!  

(PETER fights as the bull pulls his pants off)

—“Dial Meg for Murder”, Family Guy season 8, episode 11, January 31, 2010, via Jessica Valenti, “Hey Seth Macfarlane: Rape Jokes Aren’t Funny”, Feministing February 3, 2010 (available at http://www.feministing.com/archives/019895.html).

Real men are primitive.

Much time and many volumes have been devoted to Freud’s famous question — What do women want? — with little commensurate attention to the male counterpart.

What do men want?

The simple answer is well-known, but a more nuanced answer has presented itself the past several days during Washington’s “Snowmageddon.”

Shovels. Men want shovels, the bigger the better.

…

Since the blizzard began, the shovel has become not just a tool of necessity but a symbol of purpose and meaning, about whose absence the usual existential lament is more acute in a city that lives so much in its head.

This is the axis of wonkery, after all, where men (and women) spend most of their waking hours in a seated position, staring at a computer screen or talking by phone. Interruptions to these mostly mental rigors involve other seated endeavors, such as the power breakfast and lunch, or the ever-popular drinks-and-dinner duet. Whatever ambulation is required in between is hardly enough to satisfy the muscular memories of our tranquilized DNA.

Oh, we “work out.” Gym memberships are as common as Metro cards, and personal trainers nearly outnumber cab drivers. Washington has a disproportionate number of triathletes, which is testament both to Washingtonians’ principal source of animation — stress — and to the city’s miles of friendly running and biking paths.

But purpose-driven exercise is of a different order than shoveling snow. One is a To-Do item on the calendar of obsessive-compulsives; the other is a taunt from Nature, a call to survival to bestir all those little lizard brains in repose. Man is never happier than when he is called to action, in other words. That is to say, when he is needed.

—Kathleen Parker, “Men: The Original Shovel-Ready Project”, The Washington Post Wednesday, February 10, 2010 (available at http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/02/09/AR2010020902466.html?nav=hcmodule).

Real men don’t ask; they tell.
Real men are dominant.

(Following an explosion on the spaceship, ZOE is in critical condition, and WASH, her husband and the pilot of the ship, is in the medical bay with her.  The captain, MAL, enters.)

WASH: Come on, baby.  You’re strong, strongest person I ever met.  You can do this!

JAYNE: She gonna make it?

SIMON: Please.  I need to work.

MAL: Wash.  Wash, I need you on the bridge.

WASH: Zoe’s hurt.

MAL: And the doctor is gonna do everything he can.  Meantime, I got to have you on the bridge.  We need to know how bad it is.

WASH: How bad?  It’s bad, okay, Sir?  My wife may be dying here, so my feeling is it’s pretty damn bad.

MAL: Wash.

WASH: I’m not leaving her side, Mal!  Don’t ask me again.

MAL: I wasn’t askin’.  I was tellin’.

“Out of Gas”, Firefly season 1, episode 8, October 25, 2002.

Real men are protectors.
Real men don’t ask; they tell.
Real men are dominant.

ANGEL: I need you to be out of here.

NINA: That’s typical. You sleep with a guy and he sends your entire family out of the country. No, wait, that’s actually not that typical at all. You couldn’t just not call?

ANGEL: It’s not safe here.

NINA: Is it ever? I want to be with you if there’s trouble.

ANGEL: You don’t want to be with me. You don’t want to be near me.

NINA: Because I might get hurt?

ANGEL: Because I’m the thing that’ll hurt you.

NINA (holding up plane tickets): What do you call this?

ANGEL: How can I convince you that I want to be with you?

NINA: Show me a fourth ticket.

ANGEL: Okay. If I get through this intact, I’ll come for you. We’ll have time.

NINA: You’re the most amazing man I’ve ever met, but you’re a crappy liar.

ANGEL: Go. I’m not asking.

NINA: I’ll go. Why on Earth would I stay?

“Power Play”, Angel season 5, episode 21, May 12, 2004.

Real men don’t ask; they tell.  (Real men don’t care what others think.)
Real men are dominant.

DR. MANHATTAN: Pay attention.  You will all return to your homes.

RIOTER: Oh, yeah?  And what if we don’t, ya big blue fruit?

DR. MANHATTAN: You misunderstand me.  It was not a request.

[The rioters disappear.]

LAURIE: Jesus.

DR. MANHATTAN (internal monologue): The next day, I am reading in the paper of two people who suffered heart attacks upon suddenly finding themselves indoors.  More would have suffered during a riot, I’m certain.

Alan Moore, Watchmen issue 4, December 1986.

Real men are not women.

GILROY: You have a working man’s hands.

MICHAEL: Well, I’ve never been afraid to get them dirty.

GILROY: So I’ve heard.  Company man gone bad.  I have to say, I find you quite fascinating.

MICHAEL: I’ll bet you say that to all the girls.

GILROY: Only the ones I like.

MICHAEL: I’m flattered.

“Friendly Fire”, Burn Notice season 3, episode 11.

Real men are not women.

Real men don’t care what others think.

After a full year, the people have grown weary of a president who talks pretty, promises much and delivers nothing. The misery facts don’t lie: Obama Nation has brought us a 10 percent unemployment rate (1.7 million more people unemployed today than a year ago); almost $2 trillion of new outstanding public debt, and 139 bank failures.

Add to that the arrogance of a leader who thinks he’s so much more self-aware than the presidents before him that he must apologize to the world for American “selfishness” (U.S. relief to Haiti, hello?), while at the same time failing to enact policies to keep Americans safe from al-Qaida terrorists, and it is no wonder Democrats find themselves in a woozy state this morning.

—Sherman Frederick, “Massachusetts election a warning to our own Harry Reid”, Las Vegas Review-Journal, January 20, 2010 (available at http://www.lvrj.com/opinion/massachusetts-election-a-warning-to-our-own-harry-reid-82143482.html); Media Matters staff, “Las Vegas Review-Journal publisher: Obama thinks ‘he must apologize to the world’ through ‘U.S. relief to Haiti’”, Media Matters for America, January 20, 2010 (available at http://mediamatters.org/blog/201001200008).

Real men don’t care what others think.
Real men make tough decisions.

[I]t looks to me like women in general, and the women whose educations I am responsible for in particular … aren’t just bad at behaving like arrogant self-aggrandizing jerks. They are bad at behaving like self-promoting narcissists, anti-social obsessives, or pompous blowhards, even a little bit, even temporarily, even when it would be in their best interests to do so. Whatever bad things you can say about those behaviors, you can’t say they are underrepresented among people who have changed the world.

Remember David Hampton, the con artist immortalized in “Six Degrees of Separation”, who pretended he was Sydney Poitier’s son? He lied his way into restaurants and clubs, managed to borrow money, and crashed in celebrity guest rooms. He didn’t miss the fact that he was taking a risk, or that he might suffer. He just didn’t care.

It’s tempting to imagine that women could be forceful and self-confident without being arrogant or jerky, but that’s a false hope, because it’s other people who get to decide when they think you’re a jerk, and trying to stay under that threshold means giving those people veto power over your actions. To put yourself forward as someone good enough to do interesting things is, by definition, to expose yourself to all kinds of negative judgments, and as far as I can tell, the fact that other people get to decide what they think of your behavior leaves only two strategies for not suffering from those judgments: not doing anything, or not caring about the reaction.

…

If you walked into my department at NYU, you wouldn’t say “Oh my, look how much more talented the men are than the women.” The level and variety of creative energy in the place is still breathtaking to me, and it’s not divided by gender. However, you would be justified in saying “I bet that the students who get famous five years from now will include more men than women”, because that’s what happens, year after year. My friend talking to the reporter remains the sad exception.

Part of this sorting out of careers is sexism, but part of it is that men are just better at being arrogant, and less concerned about people thinking we’re stupid (often correctly, it should be noted) for trying things we’re not qualified for.

…

It would be good if more women got in the habit of raising their hands and saying “I can do that. Sign me up. My work is awesome,” no matter how many people that behavior upsets.

—Clay Shirky, “A Rant about Women”, Clay Shirky, January 15, 2010 (available at http://www.shirky.com/weblog/2010/01/a-rant-about-women/); see also Kate Harding, “A Rant about Socialization”, Salon Broadsheet, January 19, 2010 available at http://www.salon.com/mwt/broadsheet/feature/2010/01/19/shirky_rant/index.html) (“The key phrase … is ‘men and women need to work together to change the culture’ — otherwise, just telling women to put themselves out there more, as Shirky’s done, is asking them to risk serious social and professional penalties to get the same rewards as men.”; Deanna Zandt, “More on Shirky’s women rant: speaking up, ‘natural’ behavior, and storytelling wins”, Deanna Zandt, Tuesday, January 19, 2010 (available at http://www.deannazandt.com/2010/01/19/more-on-shirkys-women-rant-speaking-up-natural-behavior-and-storytelling-wins/) (“There are times that I feel damaged and inauthentic when I’ve been acting like an overconfident jerk, and that’s not how I want to ultimately live my life. I wrote this post from that place, of wanting to change the culture so that different personality traits can be rewarded, so that we can have (as I said) a more holistic, welcoming set of standards.”).

Real men don’t ask; they tell.
Real men are dominant.

DALET: I like that you talked about your grandmother, but when you need to be a man, are you okay putting your foot down and letting me know that hey, this is the way it’s gonna be because of this reason?

Conveyor Belt of Love, Season 1, Episode 1, January 4, 2010.

Real men don’t care about the environment.
Real men are not caring.

Yale Project on Climate Change (YPCC) and the George Mason University Center for Climate Change Communication, Global Warming’s Six Americas 2009: An Audience Segmentation Analysis, May 20, 2009 (available at http://www.americanprogress.org/issues/2009/05/pdf/6americas.pdf):

The Dismissive are distinguished by their certainty that global warming is not occurring.  They have thought about the issue a good deal and consider themselves well-informed.  They are quite certain that even if it is occurring, it is not caused by human activities.  They believe scientists are in disagreement on the issue, and quite a few believe that there is a consensus among scientists that global warming is not occurring.  They believe that no one is in danger of being harmed and anticipate that there will be no impacts on people or the environment.  YPCC 67.

…

Almost two-thirds of the Dismissive are men (63%), the largest gender split among the six segments.  Their ages closely mirror national averages.  YPCC 71.

…

The Dismissive strongly disagree with egalitarian values: they don’t believe wealth should be divided more equally, that government should meet everyone’s basic needs, or that discrimination against minorities is a serious problem.  Seventy percent oppose government programs to get rid of poverty.  YPCC 72.

———————————————————

ecoAmerica, The American Climate Values Survey, October 2008 (available at http://www.ecoamerica.org/docs/ecoAmerica_ACVS_Summary.pdf):

American men and women have some very different perspectives on the climate crisis.  Women are more likely to believe global warming is real, harmful, that we need to do something and that addressing it will have benefits.  Women also have a more positive view of being environmentally friendly.

Men are less concerned about global warming and more likely to think that addressing it will entail negative personal and economic consequences.  ecoAmerica 11.

———————————————————

See also Amanda Marcotte, “Global Warming and the Centrality of Irritating Liberals”, pandagon, December 8, 2009 (“I’m forced to conclude that it’s because denying the reality of global warming achieves the central goal of wingnuttery: pissing off the liberals.  And boy, is it effective!  Those liberals sure get steamed when they think about how reckless behavior will result in millions of unnecessary deaths.”) (available at http://pandagon.net/index.php/site/comments/global_warming_and_the_centrality_of_irritating_liberals/); Paul Krugman, “Climate Rage”, The Conscience of a Liberal, December 8, 2009 (“First, environmentalism is the ultimate “Mommy party” issue. Real men punish evildoers; they don’t adjust their lifestyles to protect the planet.”) (available at http://krugman.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/12/08/climate-rage/).