Real men don’t get raped.

ANNOUNCER: Gentleman, Give an indifferent east coast welcome to our newest bullrider, Peter the Kid!

(PETER rides bull, gets bucked off shortly after.)

BULL: You know what I am back at the ranch?  I’m a breeding bull.

PETER: Wha…wha…what’s that?

BULL: You gonna find out.

PETER: (Gasps)

BULL:  Where you going fatty?  We’re gonna have a party.

PETER: No! No!  

(PETER fights as the bull pulls his pants off)

—“Dial Meg for Murder”, Family Guy season 8, episode 11, January 31, 2010, via Jessica Valenti, “Hey Seth Macfarlane: Rape Jokes Aren’t Funny”, Feministing February 3, 2010 (available at http://www.feministing.com/archives/019895.html).

Real men don’t get raped.

CONAN: This is a, um, huge transition for Mr. Madoff from captain of finance to an inmate.  How do you counsel a guy like that?  Such a crazy transition.

DAN: Well, it’s simple, Conan.  We explain prison life in corporate lingo that they understand.  For example, it’s not a prison term, it’s a ‘binding government contract.’  And we don’t say prison guards, we say ‘armed human resource managers.’

CONAN: Yeah but, but, you can’t sugarcoat the harsh realities of prison with semantics I mean,…Madoff, he could be sexually assaulted!

DAN: Ahh, compulsory market penetration.

CONAN: Okay.  No.

DAN: Expanding the customer base?

CONAN: No no no no!  Forget it, okay?

DAN: Fighting off a hostile takeover that would split your assets.

CONAN: Okay, I said, we get it!

DAN: Unscheduled merger that puts you in the black!

—Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien, July 16, 2009.

Real men don’t get raped.

CONAN: New York!  New York has a new quarter—New York: ‘Home of Bernie Madoff’s daily federal probe.’” [ANDY laughs.] Is that Bernie Madoff or Lyndon Johnson?  That was a very…

ANDY: I like, I like…

CONAN: Either way, it’s disturbing.

ANDY: I know!  I just like that in a vain attempt to protect himself, he, like the universal sleeping: ‘I’m slee-e-eping!’

CONAN: Yeah.  Yeah.  That works in prison!

—The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien, July 13, 2009.

Real men don’t get raped.

“To illustrate his newly Zen outlook Schneider chose to star, produce and direct a film about the profound spiritual awakening of an imprisoned con artist (Schneider) who comes to realize that there’s more to life than just avoiding gang rape. Yes, an emotional epiphany led Schneider to make a comedy about a guy who really, really does not want to get brutally gang-raped by his fellow convicts.

“In his heroic quest to avoid getting sodomized against his will by dozens of muscled, tattooed lifers Schneider enlists the services of a flaky guru/martial arts master played by a self-parodying David Carradine (way to make good use of that post-Tarantino career bump, buddy!), whose methods are unconventional, if not downright criminal. Carradine helps give Schneider the tools he needs to prevent his anus from being ripped apart by the outsized phalluses of a vast army of unwanted anal invaders.”

—Nathan Rabin, “Rob Schneider Prison Rape Edition Featuring Big Stan, Against the Dark, and the Pleasure Drivers,” Onion A.V. Club, Mar. 26, 2009 (available at http://www.avclub.com/articles/rob-schneider-prison-rape-edition-featuring-big-st,25787/).

Real men don’t get raped.

“In a performance that will probably not be remembered come NAACP Image Awards time, Chi McBride co-stars as a romantic cellmate eager to make [Will] Arnett his loving bitch.”

Nathan Rabin, “Let’s Go to Prison,” Onion A.V. Club, Nov. 22, 2006 (available at http://www.avclub.com/articles/lets-go-to-prison,3694/).